Hey ladies and gents. This is my first post on this subject...CHRISTIANITY. I am proud to say that I am part of God's body. My concern is the life after death.
My life has been an emotional rollercoaster since before I popped out my mother's womb. Abuse, craziness, separation, anger, depression, disappointments, etc have been a drastic wind in my world. My whole life I had to create a fasade of being silly instead of showing my insides. My outside is quite lively and upbeat, but my inside is everything that describes a depressed maniac.
I know that eventually my insides would kill me, but I can't die at least not yet. My family, well the family that took me in, introduced me to God at an early age and I fell in love with Him. But when I got older, worldly things did play a role in my downfalls. I was rebellious, and disrespectful. I wasn't the partying type but I was getting into bad habits. I tried cigarettes and Mary Jane to mask the stresses I had, but it was temporary. I'm a singer and when I noticed that stuff was messing up my voice, I gave it up quick. My voice is all I got to give me some freedom and I wasn't gonna kill it. Without it, I would probably kill myself as well because it wouldn't be no point of living without a God given gift.
I got back into church and to be honest, I was there but I really wasn't there. Shouting on credit ain't the best praise at all and even if they don't see, God sees everything.
In 2012, I transferred to my four year college and that first year was full of tears, disappointments and depression. I felt like a little fish in a big pond. No one cared how I felt. I would have chest pains because I worried about everything. Sometimes I would be scared to go to sleep at night, because of the fear of dying in my sleep. I would call people that I knew were night owls to keep me up at night. I wouldn't go to bed to 7am sometimes or the times I felt like it was ok to close my eyes. After that first semester I took some time to get back to my King...God. I prayed, had devotion with just me and Him, and I just remained focused on what was important. After that I was back on track until the world tries to kick in.
God I need you, I try to do right but the devil is always in my ear. My chest still aches from worrying and convictions, I ask for forgiveness. Even in my prayers I feel like you're tired of listening to me. I know that you won't leave or forsake, but it's time where I feel that You tired of helping me. I just wanna feel you the way I did as a child, how real and full you were in my heart. I try so hard to hear you, but sometimes I think your mouth is silent for me because of things I've done. Lord hear my call please. I falll short of what you created me to be, renew me to be who I am suppose to be and not what I am now
-Amen
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